Why Does A Man Shut Down?

I wrote this article a year or so ago because I was facing a number of marriage counseling issues related to the QMS (Quiet Male Syndrome J).  I didn’t publish it for some unknown reason, but I have had to deal with this syndrome again. 

The question is: “Why does a man shut-down, stop talking or start behaving like the Lone Ranger?” "You are so quiet?" "Why don't you talk?" Before I offer an answer to that we might as well ask the less obvious question, "So what?" What does it matter? Women and other "counselor-types" solve problems through talk; through negotiations. Eventually when enough is said a solution emerges. Why wouldn't Silent Sam engage in this tried and true problem-solving? Why turn a successful solution down? Answer? The problem of quietness isn't the problem. If women address the "quietness" issue they will never solve the problem. Silence is a symptom not a cause.

Now before I keep philosophizing let me admit that I’m not a therapist; and secondly let me admit that there can be a number of causing – not the one I am suggesting.  All I am suggesting is the cause I am addressing is all-to-common.  So what's this cause?

Some of the responses that I have heard or experienced include:

·         Men don't have the natural communication skills

·         Men are angry

·         Men are passive and don't want conflict.

All of the above and some I haven't listed may be right. But in my experience the easier answer is right under our noses. Why not try the easy one first before you get into invasive major surgery?  So what is this blinding flash of the obvious?

The man who has shutdown is feeling inadequate!

Incompetence is the major fear of the male species. Now a well-meaning woman may retort: "That's stupid!" Or even say things like "suck it up big guy." Fail! My question is, "Do you want to solve the problem or not? The solution is really just one word:  ENCOURAGEMENT!

A women's criticism; a women's communication that, "Hey dummy, you just don't get it" kind-of-attitude, will not help. It cuts a guy off at the knees. It breaks the male spirit.  A man worth his salt will move a mountain for a woman who believes in him and encourages him. A man that feels like he never measures up will shut down. He will quit doing the very thing(s) the he is being accused of not doing. He will often choose the things that he is told that he does well, namely not communicating!

So ladies if your man shuts down, why not try a large dose of encouragement.  My favorite Bible verse for marriages is “Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor.” (Romans 12:10, ESV).  My paraphrase goes this way: Trip over one another trying to out value each other.”